there's no map and a compass wouldn't help at all

"Maybe she couldn't know who she was today. Maybe it was enough to know that she was no longer who she was before."

-speaker of the dead.

there. you confronted it. do you feel any better?

not at all.

books are better company than humans.

obviously.

i loathe finishing a good book and coming back to reality. you become a part of something and at the end you realize you were just tricked into believing that you were. something like that.

life is idly moving along. i'm in a relationship. i'm still in school, despite high school graduation having been some five years ago. i'm in a small worthless job making nickels and dimes an hour doing light labor - folding clothes and the like, using far less of my brain matter than ever intended. as far as the brain goes, i use less of it than i must've as an infant now, and that frightens me more than i'm willing to admit. admitting it entails awareness and awareness means doing something about it and doing nothing about it gets you right back to Square Stupid.

anyway. my ovaries are causing me some godawful pain. i need a new book. if anyone want any retarded memoirs i've accidently and with great misfortune come into possessing, let me know. you can have them.

i'm gonna kill my sister for going through my livejournal AND posting an entry.

dammit.

also, the original quantam of solace story? haven't read it, but what it is defined to be is really interesting.

essentially, the quantum of solace is that bit of humanity that ties people together, though specifically the short story refers to human relationships. the amount of comfort two people will feel around one another, to whatever degree.

as humans, we're all very insecure in any given relationship. when you're in a relationship where that level of insecurity is so horrible that it actually feels destructive, then that quantum of solace has disappeared.

example: in the short story fleming describes the marriage of a cheating wife, and how the husband doesn't just leave her, but leaves her penniless and in debt. that humanity that would've stopped him from doing that - out of guilt or compassion for the consequences of such actions - has disappeared.


i hate that there are people in my life who've made me feel that way. i hate that the two prominent figured were my parents.



i've been thinking a lot about how my parents were when i was younger.
maybe that's why i've been in such a thick fog.
i need it to clear, i need to see the sun shining and all that good stuff.

i don't know how to explain to people who are religious or agnostic that i don't give a flying rat's ass. i'm not passionate in the least bit in whatever views i have, not in the sense that i can't back them but in the sense that in my world, it doesn't have any value whatsoever. why bother wasting energy on it? if someone tells me they are christian or buddhist or believe there's a spirit out there or what-have-you, i shrug it off the same way i shrug off someone telling me what their favorite crayon is.

actually, i place more meaning to someone's favorite color than i do in their religion.

i read the qu'ran, i read the entire thick book containing 30 books therein numerous times. and every single time it was in the original arabic. did i understand a word i read? hell no, i just didn't want more reason for my mom or dad to beat me by refusing!
do i have any intention of reading the english translation? i'm curious, but i lack care, so i doubt it.

maybe i should read it, so i have concrete reasons based off the religion itself as opposed to what i observed in muslim people to back up my lack of faith.
but it takes two to tango, and you don't have a religion without people to believe.

look, when i was 9 i was sitting in the closet, hiding from my mom and dad's beatings for something they thought i did but i didn't [it was my sister but there was no way in hell i was going to rat her out.]
i know more prayers than most of my relatives, ironically. and out of desperation i started reciting one of them to myself and asked god, if he had any fucking mercy ["ar-rahman," like my last name], he'd get my fucking parents to lay the fuck off already.

just moments before my parents found me, i thought, that is unfair. i couldn't be the first in the world to have asked him for mercy, i won't be the last. i am just a kid hiding in the closet from a belt or a hangar beating. how many children were hiding from the fear of becoming a slave, or being sent to the gas chambers? how many have walked through fields in fear of land mines and had limbs blown off?
[and people say 9 year olds don't understand jackshit.]

if there is a god out there, i don't fucking want him in my life.
but how do you explain all this to someone?



........
i dont believe in islam because i don't believe in the people i've come across who believe in it. my grandmother prayed five times a day. so do some of my aunts and uncles. so do the priests.

i've never found a single trait in them that would define them as a good person. in my eyes, someone who dedicates themselves SO FUCKING MUCH to something like religion is someone with an incredibly guilty conscience, with reasons within themselves that make them fear god and afterlife.
all my life i was told that god loves you and god wants you to love him back. then a few of my aunts pulled me aside [still a kid] and asked me why i don't pray. i guess they thought i was gonna be like my cousins and not question the idea of doing things in fear of god, because they told me i should pray if i'm afraid of him AND if i want something from him.
what the fuck! that's ridiculous!! continue on to the idea that you do good things in fear of god and in hopes of getting what you want from him!

basically, my understanding amounted to this: you don't wanna do this, but you do it anyway because god is some kind of dictator that you don't wanna upset. you're not reaaally a good person, you just don't want god mad at you.

forgive me, but i believe in the integrity of an individual who finds within themselves what it means to be a good human being. i'm not going to participate in horrible things, not because god's gonna send me to hell, but because of actual consequences that i'm bright enough to understand and be aware of.

one last point: so god is supposedly all powerful and is gonna kick my ass to hell and all that shit, right? writing this entry is a one way ticket to some good ol fashioned smiting, right?
don't make me laugh, i'll get a painful stitch in my sides. what kind of pansy ass piece of shit god thinks he can kick my ass when he can't even take care of poverty, rape, violence, etc?

i understand the idea behind having the bad to understand the good, but i don't think we need to reach such extremes. and i certainly don't believe it would exist in a world where god exists.

i'm done.

my friends in high school were assholes. who lets a person walk around the way i did? shiit. T_T

 NNENENENENENENENEH! I C UR BUTT BUTT BUTT! UR BUTT BUTT BUTT!!!! D8

i am AMAZED at what a couple of years will do to technology.
my dell laptop and desktops are both completely fucked. i blame my sister partially.

my 80gb ipod, which i purchased back in november and was formatted to PC is refusing to work unless i "recover" it. which essentially means i'm gonna lose all my files. awesome. as if losing all my files on my pc wasn't enough. fuckity.

i should've kept this journal a secret.
it embarrasses me.

i don't enjoy art.
i don't enjoy drawing or painting or any of it.
i hate making things.
i hate writing.
i hate reading.

nothing gives me any joy.
i feel so dead inside.

i am stupid

thus, nearly all the entries created so far are private.
i figure if there's one smart decision i'm going to make in life, it's to conceal my stupidity when i realize i should, as often as i am able.


this is stupid.

i am in a really bad funk. i'm all out of sorts, i'm gonna run down to the water and chain smoke. i wish there was a faster way to get there. boo.

the thing to remember is, there is no need to crash and burn up.

if you're going to crash, the thing to remember is that every single time, you're going to get back up again.

the future will be bright. i've been reading past entries, deleting and archiving and preparing to shut this down.

it's served it's brilliant purpose: leave the past alone. it's all ashes.


there's no need for it to bring me down.
lay the skeletons to rest, leave grievances behind.


when i was young i used to think that there shouldn't be a reason for someone's past to completely drown their future. just a coloring is enough, isn't it?
whatever i've gone through, whatever i've done or haven't done, big or small, however wrong, it's left me at a fork in the road that only goes two ways.

that's my theory, anyway
one path is just another version of the past, the same actions and the same mistakes over and over, revisiting the same memories and the same grief.

there is no other one, because it hasn't been created yet. its brilliant and new and frighteningly unfamiliar.

it's unfortunate i get lost so easily. breaking old habits are hard and it's so damn easy to clutch to things i already know.
i can't afford to lose sight anymore.

anyway
here's to new beginnings, a month and a day after my birthday.

cheers.

i wish new starts were as easy as beginning a new journal.

so it goes.